Trigger, p.6
Trigger, page 6
She’s sitting still, staring at me.
“You love me?” She smiles so slightly I almost miss it and I nod tightly. She doesn’t cry for me. For something she can’t change. She doesn’t tell me she’s sorry for how I was treated because, again, what the fuck good does that do? She sits in the chair, staring at me, for what feels like a lifetime.
And then she does the most perfect thing she could do. She locks it away. Never to be talked about again.
“So can we fuck now?” Her eyebrows raise in a challenge and she spreads her legs, the dress on her thighs inching up the wider she goes. “Because I took off my panties when you called me in here.”
“Fuck yes.” Long strides bring me between her legs. I lower myself, shoving her legs apart wider, and inhale. “God, yes.”
She’s perfect.
***
“Ah, shit!” I jerk my hips, my grip on my dick so tight it’s painful but it’s the pain that has me coming all over the shower wall. “Fuck. Fuck.” I breathe heavy and push my forehead against the cold tiles. The water’s billowing around me, washing away the grime but nothing can wash away those memories. Memories that sneak up on me and remind me of my fuck up.
Over the years they’ve lessened to a couple a month. Needless to say they’ve amped up a ton in the last five days. The thing with Sienna gutted me. A pain worse than anything I’d ever endured before. I got away from her because I needed to be able to feel something other than pain. And it worked. It worked, until she walked into my fucking shop, apparently oblivious that I owned the place, and set in motion shit I’m not ready to deal with.
But it’s happening anyway.
I dry off, pull on fresh clothes, and grab my phone. My fingers itch to dial her number. My ears won’t stop ringing until I hear her voice again. My heart…
Hell, I gave up on that a long time ago.
“Boys,” I call out two hours later as I walk into the shop. The music’s on low and there’s no one waiting which pisses me off. Always have people waiting. The more people waiting, the better we fucking look. “Yo, Stitch!”
A kid no more than twenty-one pops his head out of a room and I almost face plant. I fucking hate being surprised.
“Who the fuck are you!”
“Angel.”
His voice is stupid and his pointy nose makes me want to flatten it. This is the guy Stitch was telling me about.
He can’t stay. I might be wanted for murder after working with this kid.
“Great.” I storm past him and towards my office. Don’t talk to me is the vibe I’m throwing in every fucking corner of this office, and the kid just doesn’t get it. He follows me as I storm down the hall to my office, right on my goddamned heels like a lost puppy.
And then he starts to talk again.
“Stitch told me you’d be in today. It’s such an honor to wo-”
I slam the door in his face and storm over to my desk then fall into my chair. A leather chair that cost more than my bike payment but it’s worth it. If heaven could be physical…
My phone dings with a text from Kaden.
Kaden: Your cat’s alive, btw. Fucker. Call me.
Aww fuck, the fucking cat. Thank god for Kaden, or else my place would smell like cat piss by now I’m sure. Either that or dead cat. I groan, checking my email for the time of this fucking meeting, then get to work making sure I look like I’m not still tipsy at three o’clock in the afternoon.
By the time my agent leaves two hours later I need a drink.
“You look like absolute shit, Trig.” Kaden says, walking in and falling into a chair against the wall. I spin, glare at him, then turn back to my computer.
“Get out.” I don’t bother looking at him again. I need to wrap my head around leaving for Maui next week and it’s hard enough doing that knowing Sienna is somewhere in this city right now. I don’t need to add whatever guilt trip he’s trying to lay right now.
Fuck!
“You’re going to crumble the damn laptop if you grip it any harder,” he says from behind me. Probably still comfortable in that fucking chair. Definitely not leaving like I told him to.
“I’ll buy a new one.” I slam it closed, my nerves getting the best of me. The screen was a blur anyway, numbers and times of my schedule all twisting together. “Why the fuck are you here?” I rub my eyes, leaning back in my chair.
“Checking in on ya.” He clears his throat. “You been home yet?”
“No.” My legs feel like they’re lined with lead weights when I try to stand and my head still feels like it's splitting open. “You good for the cat when I’m gone?”
“Sure.” He nods, watching me with a strange expression on his face. “You heading home now?”
I cock my head at him after tossing my laptop in the bag and throwing it on my shoulder.
“Why the fuck you care, man? Lay off.”
His eyebrows raise and he slowly nods.
“Rough week, Trig?” He smirks and I want to punch it off his face.
“No.” I storm out of my office, ignoring the new weird kid on my way out. Kaden follows, but I wouldn’t have expected anything different. He knows my swings. He knows when I lay low. And he knows when not to push my buttons. He’s been this way since I moved into his parents’ place. Like he’s my caregiver…guardian…something. Big brother, maybe, even though that’s laughable. I don’t need a fucking big brother. Family is a four letter word.
He doesn’t feel that way, though and I’ll never change his mind on that.
I, on the other hand, just want to be left alone.
“You call her?” His voice stops me in my tracks as soon as we make it out the back door of the shop.
“Call who?” I growl, shoving my hands in my pockets, the itch to grab a cigarette is strong but since quitting a year ago I haven’t picked one up and I refuse to let her force me to slip.
“You know who, Trigger. Don’t play stupid.”
“I’m not.” I snap. “And I’m running late, so get on with it.” I wave my hand in the air between us and glance at my watch.
I’m not late. I have no plans and he knows it.
“Did you call her?” His arms cross in front of him and I close my eyes, taking a long deep breath trying to cool the rage.
“No, I did not call her,” I whisper. “Look at my phone.” I shove my phone at him and he looks at it like he doesn’t want to take it, but he finally does.
When he unlocks it I roll my eyes. This is fucking stupid, but he’s not going to believe me unless he sees it.
“How drunk were you?” He’s swiping through something on the phone and my stomach drops.
“Why?” I don’t move to see the screen. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know if I want to know what I did. Judging by the look on his face, I don’t.
“You black out?” He pins me with a look and turns the phone, showing me what he was scrolling through. “Seventeen Trig.”
“No.” I shake my head, yanking the phone from his grip and trying to focus on the screen but the ringing in my ears is blinding. I didn’t even know that was possible.
“Seven. Fucking. Teen.” Kaden chuckles. “Dude.”
“Don’t fucking dude me.” I huff, deleting every last fucking call and shoving the phone in my back pocket. My hands swipe through my hair in frustration and I let out a curse, kicking the rocks in the parking lot. The only thing you can hear is the scatter of rubble as they fall back down to the ground.
“You see the time count on those?” His tone’s less amused and more in line with the current feeling in my gut. Dark. Wrong.
“No.” I needed to tear my eyes away from the screen. I had to stop my finger from pushing dial again.
Fuck. My brain knows we’d never work. But every fucking inch of my body reacted like I still belonged to her when she walked in that fucking door.
“Think you should.” It’s not a question. It’s more a demand and when I look up at him he looks like he could murder me. “It took me years to get the guy I knew back. Sure, you’re a fucking dick most of the time. And you’re mean. And don’t care about people. But what that breakup did killed you.” He shakes his head. “You don’t remember calling her at all, do you?” I shake my head and he curses. “One look at the girl and you fall back down the rabbit hole.” He laughs, completely annoyed with me. “So what now? You going to run back to her?”
I narrow my eyes at him. Kaden’s the only one that knows our whole story. He’s the only one that was there.
“No.” My jaw twitches and he stares at me, then nods with a grin on his face.
“You’re a bad liar.” He chuckles. “Alright, man.”
“I’m not going to call her again.” I say with a little more resolve but my voice is still rocky.
“Okay.” He holds his phone out. “Then give me your phone.”
“Kaden, Jesus.” I huff knowing what he wants, but slide my phone out and hand it to him. This isn’t my first time at this rodeo, unfortunately. “Delete it. I don’t even remember taking it in the first place. I must have taken the paperwork or something…I guess.” I try to think back to the past couple of days but everything blurs together and there are so many black holes. To be honest I don’t even know what happened the majority of the time. God damn, one look does that to me? “Yeah. It’s best she’s nowhere near my phone.”
“She’s deleted.” He hands me back the phone. “But your longest phone conversation was over five minutes, douchebag. That’s more than a butt dial.”
“Fuuuuck.” I arch back, praying for the sky to open and take me. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Yeah. Fuck. Like what the fuck were you thinking?”
I glare at him, knowing this conversation isn’t going anywhere. He’s pissed I slipped. I’m fucking pissed I slipped. And my head is killing me.
I turn and storm back into the shop, walking straight through and out the front door. I don’t wait for Kaden. I don’t respond to Stitch when he calls out for me. I get on my bike and head home. Straight fucking home. I need food, sleep, and a fucking lobotomy to try to get this girl out of my head.
***
“You don’t like vanilla ice cream?” She’s laughing. Beautiful. Airy. Careless.
The sun’s shining on us but I enjoy the heat. The burn. It reminds me I’m still alive. I lived through what I did and I’m here with a girl I feel things for that I’ve never felt in my life. Love isn’t in my vocabulary. Well, it wasn’t until Sienna. She’s brought out a guy I never knew wanted out, but she’s made him hopeful and happy and the smile on my face is actually…real.
“Have you met any side of me yet that likes anything vanilla? Cappuccinos, ice cream, coffee, candles…” I lean closer to her, my breath on her ear. “Sex?”
She shivers and lets out a low hum, ducking away and tucking her hair behind her ear. Her skin’s prickled with goosebumps and her lip’s sucked into her mouth while her mind is racing with all the dark chocolate things I plan on doing to her tonight.
“Yeah.” Her fingers twist her ice cream cup. Vanilla ice cream, topped with hot fudge and creamy peanut butter. Simple, but with a delicious twist.
Just like my girl.
“You coming over after this?” I slide my hand down her legs, finding the hem of her skirt and sliding it up. Her eyes fly to mine and a mischievous grin plays on those full lips.
“I can’t. I have an interview in the morning and I still don’t have an outfit for it.”
“Boring,” I mutter, slowly moving my hand up her thigh. A couple next to us, completely oblivious to the act that’s about to happen, stands and throws their trash away leaving us alone out here. She pushes her legs together, squeezing my hand between them. She likes playing hard to get, but she’ll let me in.
“You want to come with? We could have some fun in the dressing rooms like last time.” The smirk she’s giving me and the twinkle in her eye reminds me of the last time I went shopping with her about a week ago. They say dressing rooms aren’t clean…so we got dirty in one. Real fucking dirty.
“Or we could have fun right here.” I don’t want to go with her tonight. I’ve got a shift at the shop and three appointments I need to keep. I need the money if I’m ever getting out of Kaden’s place and being able to afford a place of my own.
Her nostrils flare when I push her legs apart slightly. “What’re you doing, Trig?” Her words come out heavy and her hand grips her ice cream cup tight.
“Taking what’s mine,” I whisper, leaning forward to kiss her. It gives me a better angle to get to where I need and a gasp escapes her when I slide my fingers past her panties and push into her pussy. “Always wet, Sienna.” My dick’s straining at the zipper of my jeans but not today. Today I want to get her off in public. Today I want to watch her cares slip out of the fucking window.
“Trig,” she gasps, then her eyes fly wide when I push my palm against her clit and roll my fingers inside her. “You can’t do…” She whimpers and shakes her head, turning her head and hiding the look of need in those beautiful eyes.
“I can, and I am.” I check my watch. “Let’s time this one, shall we?” I push my palm against her, cupping her and giving her what she needs. Her hips rock against my hand slightly and she lets out a moan then buries her head in her arms on the table. She’s given up on trying to hold back as she rocks into my hand.
Two full minutes. Two minutes and she’s coming around my fingers. Watching her try to control an orgasm…try to hold it in while wanting to let it out…fuck it’s hot.
Her head stays on the table, hidden from me, until I pull my fingers out of her, trailing a slick line down her thigh.
“This,” I whisper, bringing them to her cup of ice cream. She watches me as I scoop ice cream out with my fingers and bring it to my lips. It’s cold and boring, but mixed with her taste…Fuck. “This is the only way I eat vanilla ice cream from now on.”
***
“Rise and shine motherfucker!” Kaden’s booming voice splits my head in two and the sunlight from the opening windows doesn’t help.
“Fuck off,” I groan, wrapping the blanket around me. “And get the fuck out.”
“I will rip that blanket off and pour cold water over your naked ass.”
I chuckle, picturing the scared look on his face the last time he did that shit to me. Kaden’s not scared to piss me off, unfortunately, and he knows that’s going to get me out of bed real fucking quick.
“Asshole.” I roll my feet to the side of the bed and glare at him. “Why the hell are you waking me up this early?” I rub my eyes, focusing on the clock. Eight a.m. The shop doesn’t open until noon. This better be good.
“We’re going grocery shopping.” He plants himself in the oversized chair on the other end of my bedroom and stares at me. “Up and at ‘em, grandpa. You’re stocking this place before you leave.”
“Jesus Christ.” I shake my head and let it fall to my hands. “You woke me up early to take you grocery shopping? Just take my fucking credit card and get whatever you want.”
“Nope.” He stands. “You’re coming with. You need to join the living again or this trip is going to suck. You’ve got about five days until you fly out of the country and you look like the walking dead.” He walks out of the room and yells that he’ll be back with the pitcher of water. I groan and stand, letting the blanket fall to the floor. Stretching, my muscles complain but it feels good. I need water, I think I’m still hungover and a little dehydrated, but maybe he’s right. Maybe I just need to get back into my life and stop worrying about her.
I shower and walk into the kitchen where Kaden’s eating a bowl of cereal.
“Let’s go.” I grab a to-go cup of coffee and head for my car, not waiting for him to follow but knowing he’s right on my tail. I stock my place pretty well, but my guess is he’s assuming this is like payment for watching the place while I’m gone. Fine. Whatever. If it gets him off my case today, I’ll do it.
Three hundred bucks later and a half hour of watching him fit everything we bought into the back of his Mercedes, I’m walking into the shop and flipping on the lights. Pure. Silence.
Just what I like.
The noise of day to day operations of this place is inevitable, but this is my favorite time. When no one else is here and I can just…be.
I walk into my office to check emails and make sure my flight itinerary for the trip is set to go, then head into my other office. The one I care about more.
And do the thing I’ve been doing every day for the last ten years.
One lone black dot, inked on the inside of my upper arm. One for each of the past few days I haven’t been here and one for today. Seven, to be exact. Tiny, insignificant, and yet worth more than anything else I’ve had inked on my body. After about two years of adding these dots, a design started taking place. Over the years the small dots have turned into a twisting scene that’s taking over my arm slowly. Eventually it’ll cover up the rest of the shit, but I’ve purposefully not put anything else on that arm since this started, knowing what was going to happen.
Stitch is the only one that knows what I do when I get here in the morning, but only because he caught me a few years back and ripped into me for inking myself. I didn’t explain to him why I do it. I just told him to fuck off…pretty much my signature move.
He doesn’t need to know I do it to remind myself I’m alive. To remind myself of what she did to me.
She destroyed me.
I thought I was useless before her.
After her? I just need to be reminded daily that I’m here. That I survived Sienna Childs.
Barely. But I did.
I kick the music up with my first appointment right at noon and by four in the afternoon I’ve had a few walk-ins on top of the appointments so it’s been a pretty good day so far. And there are still about six hours left, so surprisingly I’m in a good mood about today.
Well, a good mood until I get back from grabbing something to eat.
“Got your noodles,” I call out to Stitch, then toss his lunch on the counter. “Don’t get food everywhere this time.”
