Trigger, p.12
Trigger, page 12
“Please, Trigger,” she pants, eyes squeezed closed. I know what she needs. What she wants more than anything. The one spot I’m not touching until we can come together.
“No.” I growl, slamming into her harder. My hand grips her tit, squeezing, and the clamp around her nipple tightens. She tugs on her restraints, trying to find friction where she needs it most. It’s maddening watching her ride the edge of her orgasm and not get off. Maddening, and powerful.
And so fucking hot.
“You’re so goddamned hot.” I huff, pumping harder into her. “And wet.” I can fucking hear how wet she is every time I slam into her. “All.” I reach to the side of the bed for the final toy. “For.” I click the button, push the vibrator against her clit, and when she cries out my name, I grin. “Me.” My fingers unhook the clamps on her nipples which send her into her first orgasm of the night. Her pussy tightens around me as she comes, so tight I let out a growl when my own release builds to excruciating levels.
But I can’t let go yet. This feels too good.
I flip her, wrap my arm around her waist and push the vibrator to her again, then slam into her. Pumping hard and fast, she’s peaking for a second time and this time I can’t hold back.
“Fuck, Sienna!” I come hard as she orgasms, milking me for everything I’ve got until my vision is blurry and every inch of my body is shaking.
I fall to the side of her, breathing heavy, but not finished. Fuck, I don’t think I’ll ever be finished with her. But I have to be.
What started as a few days of fucking around with a woman I have tried to hate has turned into remembering why I fell for her the first time. Which is the complete opposite of why I brought her back here.
I brought her here to torture her.
I brought her here to hurt.
I brought her here to remind her of what she’s missing, and make her hurt for the rest of her life.
I didn’t bring her here to fall for her.
Slowly, as she comes down from her orgasm, I undo the clamps between her legs that I forgot about, making her cry out.
Pain during sex is one thing. But pain after the high? Pain once you're out of the act?
That shit hurts.
“Fuck,” she whimpers, a high pitched noise, then curls into a pathetic ball on the bed once they’re both off. Her hands are still locked tight to the bedpost and guilt washes over me that I haven’t treated her near as well as she should have been.
She deserves better than me.
“Here,” I murmur, reaching up and undoing the binds.
“Thanks,” she whispers, not making eye contact. Her back is turned to me and I feel…horrible.
“Hey.” My hand slides down her back and she turns to look at me, regret and sadness all over her face. “Lay with me. Just a nap.”
She grins then nods and slowly curls her body into mine on the bed.
And for the first time in ten years, I drift off to sleep wrapped around the only girl I’ve ever wanted more than life itself.
And tomorrow morning, I have to let her go for the second time in my life.
Chapter 9
Sienna
I spent the night with a man I can’t have. A man I shouldn’t have had, but I let my walls down, steeled myself for the destruction it’s going to cause for my life, and for the first time in ten years…I allowed myself to be free.
I knew what I was getting myself into. I know what this all means.
But I wouldn’t change it for the world. Even now, as we’re standing in front of my apartment…an apartment I share with my fiancé …I wouldn’t change a thing.
“You good?” He looks at me like he’s got a million things to say but doesn’t have the balls to actually say any of it. And to be honest, I’m not sure I could handle hearing it right now.
When we left what I now can safely refer to as his dungeon, since it’s nestled in the warehouse district of the wharf, I didn’t know what to expect. When he took me there I couldn’t see a thing. I half expected him to force me to leave that way as well, but he didn’t. I walked out on my own accord, the sunlight almost blinding, and got into the passenger seat of his black sports car. A nice car. Worth money.
I didn’t talk on the way home other than to give him directions. I didn’t ask him about his life, didn’t ask about the business, about the trip or the obvious money he has now.
None of that matters. What matters is all in the past.
Now it’s time to move on.
“Yeah, totally.” I blink back tears, feeling the threatening break down. Again. “Trigger…” my voice cracks and I laugh, annoyed that I care like this.
A week ago I hated him.
I told myself I hated him.
But did I really?
“I hope you have a good life, Sienna.” His voice sounds as pained as mine is, but neither of us are breaking. Even if I wanted to, he doesn’t. Marriage? That’s not Trigger.
Honestly, though, I’m not sure if that’s me anymore, either.
He stares at me. His eyes full of hurt. Pain. Regret. But he’s not walking away.
I knew it was coming. I knew he was leaving to go out of town and I knew we weren’t actually a thing. Two days with Trigger has fucked with my mental state. He made me feel safe and adored. Things that Jared has tried to do, but he always falls short because he doesn’t know what I need. I never told him, because the one thing I’ve needed since I met him was the only thing I could never have.
Another man.
A man named Trigger.
I shuffle my keys in my hand, standing outside my apartment.
“Yeah.” I nod. Do I go in? I don’t kiss him, right? “Uh, thanks for…”
“Yeah.”
Painful. This is painfully awkward.
“Right. So…” I motion inside. “I’m going to get going.”
“Yeah. Of course.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, watching me until I disappear inside the building.
He’s gone. He’s out of my life and he’s gone. And all he could say was yeah.
Trigger isn’t someone I’m going to be able to erase from my memory. Not now. Not ten years ago. Not ever.
I unlock my apartment door, close it behind me, and take a deep breath. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was last here, but it’s only been two days.
Two. Days.
Maximus swirls under my feet and guilt kills me that I haven’t been here with him. I haven’t even thought about him this weekend. A cat that I didn’t even want. A cat I’ve ignored since I moved here and now left alone for forty-eight hours. Strangely enough, however, his litter box is clean and it looks like he’s been fed.
Would Trigger have had a hand in this? He left for short bursts of time and I wondered where he’d gone, but I never dared to ask. In the scene, you don’t ask questions like that. Trust. It’s all about trust and I gave him that fully this weekend. Has he come here to feed my cat? How the hell did he even know I had a cat?
I walk over to the window, pull aside the curtain, and see him looking up towards my window. His face is stone, hands shoved in his pockets. Just watching.
“Goodbye Trigger,” I whisper, my fingertips resting on the window. I doubt he can see me, but he’s watching. And he doesn’t move until something takes his attention away from my building. Go home, Trigger. Start to heal. I know I have to figure out how to.
I watch him walk towards the street. Cross the street.
And then, he enters the beautiful remodeled brick building I walk by daily.
Holy crap.
Trigger lives across the street from me.
I have to move. I can’t live here with the constant reminder of what I could’ve had. Of what I lost.
I back away from the window and go about the mundane task of getting my life in order. Tomorrow is Monday and I should go back to work. I need laundry done. I need the groceries bought. I need to write my plans for the week.
I…I need to tell Jared.
Shit.
My nerves are short circuiting. The weight of what I did weighing down on me, but not necessarily with guilt. I feel bad for hurting him, but…I wouldn’t take it back. I did what I did for myself. I didn’t do it to hurt anyone. I did it to finally get myself back. My mom’s going to be heartbroken, but she’ll have to accept it. My brother will be happy because he never liked Jared anyway.
I just don’t know how Jared’s going to react…
As I walk into the living room I glance around at my life. Or lack thereof. And notice the one and only display of our relationship that I had the guts to put on the very bare shelf…is shattered to pieces on the floor.
My hands tremble as I pick up the glass shards. And before I know it, I’m laughing. Laughing like a maniac because these tiny, shattered pieces is what I’ve just done with my life. Again.
I took advantage of a situation. I wanted out of that tiny fucking town. I wanted away from the memories. I wanted to start fresh, so I said yes to moving with a man I didn’t really love. I said yes to a life I didn’t want. I said yes, because saying no just meant more hurt. It was a catch twenty-two. If I stayed, I would constantly be reminded of the past. The memories. That small town back home is full of memories of before. So I met Jared, a newbie in town that didn’t know my past, and I clung to him. Praying I could feel for him what I felt for Trigger. Praying that I would be able to erase him from my mind, I let Jared believe I loved him. Then the move came, and it only felt right. Like we were going in the right direction.
And of course, the engagement. Which came out of nowhere, blindsided me, and made my world tilt. Honestly, marriage never was something I obsessed over. When I was a little girl I never pretended who I’d marry. I never dreamed of a big wedding. It just wasn’t something that I wanted and I think my mom knew it, so when Jared’s big engagement announcement came the week before we moved here, it came as a shock to everyone that knew me.
Because I think deep down they all knew. They knew he wasn’t right for me.
Jared’s not a bad guy. He’s driven. He’s kind. But he puts the wrong things first. His priorities are fucked.
He works overtime when he’s home.
But he’s only home a couple days every few months.
His dry cleaning is more important than me looking hot in a new dress for him.
Gluten is the devil and if I drink more than one glass of wine in front of him he gives me that look.
And he never makes sure I come. Ever.
I figured it would take practice. He was a virgin when we met, so I figured he’d learn his way around and eventually understand what makes me tick. Granted, I never told him about my past so how was he to know I needed him to be rough? But come on, a guy in his late twenties should be able to find your clit.
With a huff, I toss the glass shards in the trash, then fall to the couch. Exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. Mentally, because I know what’s coming. I’m going to have to move. I can’t afford this apartment on my own. I can’t quit my job, so I need a place close enough that I can still use public transportation to get me to work every day. I’m going to have to find a roommate.
I lie on the couch until the sun goes down, my stomach in knots because I know what’s coming. Every night before bed, without fail, Jared calls.
I haven’t answered in two days.
And tonight I have to tell him why.
I walk to the bathroom on auto pilot, turning on the water as hot as it can go. My skin’s prickled with goosebumps but I’m not cold. I’m on fire. I’ve spent the last two days being given everything I’ve needed. I submitted to a man I thought I hated, and he showed me exactly what I’ve been missing.
And will miss for the rest of my fucking life.
I slide into the water, laying the phone on the side of the tub.
And I wait.
Bathtubs are where I do my best thinking.
***
“Get out of the bathroom!” My brother’s fist slams on the door and I grin to myself, then turn my headphones up louder to drown out his bitching.
Last night Trigger had me at a voyeur club. Before him I didn’t even know something like that existed, and now that I’ve experienced it I’m not sure I can stay away. The feeling of someone watching you is freeing. Erotic.
“Sienna!” He slams on the door harder and louder this time and I turn off the water that’s about to slosh over the side of the tub.
“I’m almost done,” I lie, laughing quietly. There’s a perfectly good bathroom downstairs he can shit in, he just refuses because my parents have company over.
“I’m going to wipe my ass with your pillow case,” he blurts, and then runs down the hall because he wants me to think he’ll really do it.
He won’t. He’s my brother, but he’s not a dick.
I lie in the water, thinking back to last night, and coming to the conclusion that even though I haven’t known Trigger that long, I know how I feel about him.
I trust him. I care for him. I think about him all the time.
I love him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.
And I really want to go back to that club.
***
The water’s hot. Probably too hot but the slight sting from it soothes me. The pain.
I’m a sucker for it.
And like clockwork, at nine p.m., after a day of doing everything and nothing all at the same time, trying to forget about what tonight’s going to bring…Jared calls.
“Hey,” I say, trying to sound chipper for his sake but I’m anything but.
“Where the hell have you been, Sienna? I almost called the cops. You can’t ghost your fiancé like that in a huge city full of crime with no friends or family to call. Jesus, you could have been murdered. Taken by some psycho. You’re not supposed to be leaving the apartment at night anyway, and you haven’t been there all weekend!”
I blink. Unsure of what he means by that. I’m not supposed to be leaving the apartment at night? What the hell?
“How do you know I left the apartment?” This shouldn’t be the thing I’m most worried about, but how could he even know?
“I have cameras, Sienna.” He says it like I’m the stupid one. Like I should have known.
“You’re watching me?” I sit up in the tub, uncertain how I feel about this.
“Yeah.” He laughs. “Because you do stupid shit. Like forget to lock the door when I’m gone. Or forget to even fucking close it.” He huffs. “I do it for your safety. Look, I’m sorry for yelling.”
“Wait,” I laugh harshly. “You installed cameras that watch me? Because you don’t think I can take care of myself?” I’m dumbfounded. Jared’s never struck me as the jealous type, but that’s what this is looking like and it’s fucking insane!
“Who was the man in the apartment Sienna? And where the hell were you?”
My stomach drops. Trigger. He did come by. I knew it!
“Don’t skirt around my question, Jared. You installed cameras to watch me because you think I’m going to screw something up?”
“Sienna.” He sighs heavy and I can picture him tugging his tie loose, falling to the couch with a glass of scotch in his hand. His one weakness. “Your head isn’t always there. It’s like you’re in the clouds and when I bring you back from whatever daydream you’re in, every time you look at me like you were never gone. I don’t know where you go.” I do and I know I’ve been doing it a lot lately, but I didn’t know he noticed. “Of course I have cameras. I have links to all your cards on my phone. I have trackers on your car and in your purse because sometimes you leave without telling me where you’re going. Which, strangely enough, they both haven’t left the apartment building all weekend. So I'm real fucking confused as to why you've been ignoring me.”
My eyes are wide. Of course they didn’t register that I left because I didn’t take my purse to the bar and I walked there.
“My phone?” I blurt, worried that he knows the area I’ve been in and is planning an attack. Honestly, I want to say he’s not capable of it, but I didn’t know he was capable of what he’s been doing either. “You tracking my phone too?”
“Of course not, that would be insane. Can we get back to the more important question, though? The man?”
“What man?”
He sighs loudly and I hear ice clinking around in his glass.
“Look, I didn’t panic until this evening after work when I hadn’t heard from you. It’s not like I watch the videos every day or anything. Just when I worry. So I got back to the hotel an hour ago, pulled up the videos, and told myself if you didn’t answer this time that I was calling the police. I’m in London, Sienna. You have to understand how scared I was when I saw a strange, tattooed, rough, vile looking man walking into our house. With a key.”
My stomach drops.
He’s not vile.
The words almost tumble out of my mouth, but I hold them back.
“He was a friend. I took a weekend at the spa and he was watching Maximus for us.” The lie rolls off easily, probably steam powered by the rage inside me from this little development. He’s been watching me…
The line is silent.
“You have friends?”
Jesus Christ. That’s what he’s latching onto?
“Yes, Jared. I have friends. If you were ever here to be with me for more than twelve hours at a time you’d know that. I had to make friends with someone, because the man I moved here with is never around!”
“Hey, calm down. You know this job is important.”
“Yeah, well so am I,” I bark. “And you know what, I finally realized that this weekend. I’m important. And you put me last in everything.”
“I need this job, Sienna. Your salary is shit at the public teaching job. Someone has to pay the bills.”
“Fuck you,” I growl.
“Don’t promise something you can’t deliver on, sweetheart,” he sneers. “Sienna Childs doesn’t fuck. She has sex. Vanilla, boring as hell sex.”
“You’ve never said it was boring,” I whisper, hating that he hit a point that’s bothered me for years.
