Trigger, p.15
Trigger, page 15
Even tonight. Sure, it’s selfish, but I’ve spent the better part of a decade living for someone else.
It’s time I take control.
I hail a cab to the wharf, knowing I’m not going to need my car tonight. I might not need it for a while. This coming week is fall break, and I’m walking into the unknown right now.
When the yellow taxi drives away and leaves me by myself out in the dark, I finally feel like I’m making the right choices.
For me.
For us.
I walk the same path I took when we left here. The only time I’ve been here. I try not to think about all the other girls that have walked this path. I’m sure it’s enough to want to murder people, but I can’t be mad that he continued on with his life after us. Wasn’t that exactly what I was trying to do? Move on after heart break by any means necessary.
I was.
But I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not moving on. I’m taking what is rightfully mine.
My sanity.
My happiness.
My pleasure.
My man.
I raise my hand, no tremble in sight, and knock three times on the large metal door. I’ve only been here once, but that’s all I need to remember the exact dungeon he owns.
Owns. Not rents or borrows. Outright owns.
I spent the last few weeks torturing myself. Doing all the research on Trigger I could. Come to find out, he’s got millions of followers all over the globe for his work. It’s no wonder he got us into the most prestigious bar with no wait. He’s famous around here. And not just for tattoos, either, like he wants people to think. He’s donated thousands to charities for abused and neglected children. He’s donated his time to helping rebuild homes for kids and families in need. And he’s set up a scholarship fund for kids in bad situations to give them a chance to turn their life around by getting out of their past and creating a future at college.
He’s a good guy. But he’d never tell you that.
The door swings open and the minute my eyes hit his a shiver runs down my spine and heat pools between my legs.
“You’re late,” he murmurs, his eyes slowly dragging down my body, landing on my toes. “And you look fucking delicious.”
I bite back my smile , stepping into the room while he closes the door behind me.
“I have something to say,” I blurt before nerves get the best of me. My self control goes out the window when I’m around him, so if I don’t do this soon I’m never going to. But it has to be said.
“And what is that?” He circles me like a hunter circles their prey right before a strike. Studying my posture. Trailing his hands down my bare neck and back. The dress Anne had me wear tonight is from her closet. The lowest back I’ve ever worn, dipping so low if I bend right you can see bits that shouldn’t be out in public. And the v in the front goes all the way to my navel. I’m not sure where she bought it, or why, but the way he’s looking at me makes me appreciative that I have a friend like her.
“I’m not just a one night stand. Or two nights. Or just a piece of ass.” I clear my throat and step away from him. “Sorry. I need my space. You do things to me and I have to get this out,” I stammer, looking up at him and he’s trying not to laugh at me.
“You’re still sexy when you’re pissed.”
“I’m not pissed. What I am is getting turned on more and more by the minute with the way you keep touching me. And what I have to say has to be said before we can take this any further.”
He holds his hands up in a cease fire and steps back.
“I’m sorry. It’s real fucking hard not touching you when you show up ready to be fucked.”
My cheeks flush at his words, words that haven’t been spoken to me in years. Crass. Unapologetic. Erotic.
“This is it, Trigger. We try this, once and for all. But if it doesn’t work out, I can’t keep going back and forth like this. It’ll kill me.” He starts to talk but I hold my hand up. “Let me finish. I never taught myself how not to love you. I tried. I tried hate, since hate is the opposite of love so I figured if I hated you I couldn’t possibly love you. But the hate just simmered as anger and sadness and regret. Regret that I’ve been hiding from myself. And anger because I could have had you long ago but I let you go.” I take a deep breath, lock eyes on him, and prepare for the hardest part. “Trigger, I want kids one day I think. I don’t want a big wedding, and I’m not even sure if I want marriage at all, but I do want a baby. Not now. But eventually. And I need exclusivity. I know the girls you’ve dated and brought back here probably aren’t used to that coming from you, and if you can’t do it I understand. But those are my demands. And if you can’t get on board, I can’t do this. I deserve at least the respect to not lie to me right off the bat.”
He stares at me, blinking, hands shoved in his pockets probably to keep from reaching out and touching me. And then…he smiles.
“So you want a little asshole Trig Junior running around here?”
“We wouldn’t name him that. You were cursed with a name that reminded you of a shitty life.”
He smiles wide and looks like he’s holding something back.
“I don’t have girlfriends,” he says, then stammers to correct himself when my eyes go wide. “I mean after you. I didn’t do girlfriends.”
“Oh just casual hookups?” I raise an eyebrow, smirking at him.
“More like what I did to you. And only one time per girl. One time a month.” He’s watching me carefully now.
“Once? You brought a different girl here each month and locked them up for a weekend of sex?”
He nods.
“The weird divider in your car?” I whisper. “You kidnapped them?”
“They wanted it. The partition was just a safety precaution.” He smirks and steps closer to me. “Are you done with all your rules and stipulations?”
I swallow hard. I should be freaked out that he’s turned into a madman...but I’m not.
“Yeah, I’m done.”
“Good. It’s my turn.” He takes one more step closer to me. “You’re mine.” He steps closer. “All mine. No one else’s.” One more step and he’ll be inches from me. “No other men. No other women, if that’s become a thing over the years. You say as I do within the confines of these four walls, but out in public I want you to be your own woman. Do what makes you happy and do it unapologetically. I work a lot. I travel a lot. I will want you with me at every event I have-”
“I can’t take off work for every event, Trigger.”
“Then every event that won’t get you fired. You’re traveling with me.” He reaches out, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. “And as far as any more chances go.” His hand rests on my cheek and his eyes hit mine. “This is it for us, Sienna. No looking back, only looking forward. I don’t know about marriage either, but I know I’m yours, heart and body, for the rest of my life. No matter what. And when the day comes that you’re ready for kids, I will be the man that gives that to you. No one else, you understand?”
I nod silently. This is the most he’s talked to me in ten years and even before that he never got this…sappy. I grin, clamping down on my lip trying not to laugh.
“Why are you making that face?” His eyes narrow at me but I give my head a tight shake. “The truth, Sienna. Now.”
God, his demanding tone gets to me.
“You’re finally opening up to me,” I whisper. “We never talked about a future before. But now…” I shrug, swiping away a tear. “Now you’re talking to me like you want me and not just because of how good we fuck.”
He laughs, bright and brilliant eyes hit mine and he pulls me to him, slamming his lips to mine.
“So then we’re clear? Just us, until the end of time?” He asks, his lips pulled back from mine far enough to talk.
“Until the end of time.” I push my body against his and continue the kiss, deepening it and not stopping until he has my dress pooled on the floor and I need to rid his layers off him.
“Not so fast,” he says, stepping back. He’s pitched a fucking fort in his jeans. He’s so hard it has to be painful. But he won’t let me touch him. “Inside these walls, you do as I say. Nothing else. Understood?”
God, that tone. Strong yet caring. Demanding and fierce yet loving. I nod.
“Yes, Sir,” I whisper, making him smirk.
“You’re not too far out of practice, Sienna.” He grips my tits hard. “We’ll get you back in no time.”
My body shudders as his fingers roll my nipples, need pulsing between my legs for him. He steps around my body, his hands never leaving my skin. His touch soft, and yet strong at the same time.
“Bench,” he finally says and I freeze. I haven’t been on a bench in years, and even with him I only did it once. It’s uncomfortable, raw. It exposes you…and the only time I was on it I safe worded out.
“Sir,” I whisper, panicked that he’s taking it straight to the one place I used to be uncomfortable. Why is he doing this?
“As I say, Sienna.” He steps closer, his erection pushing against my ass. “I need you to trust me. Can you do that?” He pushes his lips to my neck and I sigh.
“Yes Sir.” No overthinking. All trust.
I follow him across the room to a long leather bench, only wide enough for me to balance on while lying flat, and he helps me up, then watches me with appreciation as I slowly swing my legs over to straddle it.
“Good girl.” He rounds the bench. “Lie back, Sienna.”
With a shaky breath, I lie back, exposing myself to him in ways I was once terrified to do. And when the straps wrap around my wrists and ankles, I have to breathe through the anxiety that I’m immobile.
Being immobile on the cross…the bed…hell even a table…it’s fine. It’s erotic and I fucking love it.
It’s this goddamned thing that freaks me out and there’s no explanation other than I’m bent in a way that isn’t natural, and while I don’t feel uncomfortable, it’s not flattering. Which really fucks with a girl’s self consciousness.
“Breathe,” he whispers. “And trust me.” His fingers roll my nipples again and I moan, arching into him just to be met with the tug of the leather straps around my wrists. “So good.” His fingers dance down my stomach, around my belly button, then dip between my legs and slide over my pussy. “Fuck, Sienna. You’re so hot.” He uses both hands to spread me, then blows a soft breath over me, making my whole body shiver. With a low chuckle, he backs away and reaches for something. Something I can’t see. I struggle to keep my head up to watch him, but when he rolls that damn spiky wheel down my thigh, I gasp and try to give into the feeling.
I don’t need to watch. I need to feel. Just feel, Sienna. No overthinking about a relationship with Trigger. No wondering what he’s thinking right now. No trying to get more and more until you’re making yourself come undone.
Just. Feel.
My eyes flutter closed and Trigger treats my body like a temple. Bringing to life every inch of me, he kisses, licks, pricks, and massages until I’m on fire and there’s only one way to take me where I need to go.
And yet, he refuses.
“Please,” I whimper, knowing somewhere deep down that whimpering isn’t going to get me what I need.
“You’re not ready,” he murmurs, stepping away. I feel cold. Cold and hot at the same time. I moan, focus on my breathing, and try to take my mind out of this situation. That’s what he wants, he doesn’t want to watch me come because I want it. He wants me to explode when I’m not expecting it. He wants to be in complete control of my body and mind. And I used to be the girl that could do that for him.
But I can’t turn my mind off. It’s not working.
“I can’t,” I whisper on the verge of tears from frustration and embarrassment. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can be what you need anymore.” Panic rushes through me.
I want him. I want the sex that comes with him. I want that lifestyle.
But I can’t find it in me.
He stops touching me, and I squeeze my eyes closed, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes.
“Bullshit,” he blurts, then a flogger smacks me in the thigh hard and I cry out. The sting burning my skin.
“Fuck, Trigger!” I yank at my restraints, “I can’t do this like you need!” Emotions swell inside me, anger. Hurt.
I was clouded by lust and need when I walked in here.
I had forgotten the mental game that comes with submitting.
“Bull.” Whack. “Shit.” Whack.
I cry out as he swings the tassels hard on my skin, over my most sensitive parts, but as the pain subsides, it’s not leaving more pain behind. It’s a different familiar feeling. One I haven’t felt in a while but one I could never forget.
“She’s remembering,” he mutters, then rolls the pin-pricked wheel around my nipples. I moan, pain merging with need and lust and clouding my mind and dizzying all my senses.
There it is. The subspace. The space where I let go and just feel.
A moan escapes me when he smacks me again with the flogger, but my body doesn’t tug at the restraints like it was moments ago.
I don’t try to get away.
Because I trust him.
He continues his use of my body, but the sting never feels unbearable. The pain twists into a tight coil, my body primed and ready.
His fingers run down my cheek, cupping my jaw.
“Open those beautiful eyes, Sienna,” he whispers and I obey without thought. He smiles, then slides his fingers down between my legs while our eyes are connected and rubs over my clit softly. My mouth pops open and my body reacts to him, not by arching for him, but by giving its last shred of control over to him. I don’t buck too meet his hand. I don’t arch at the restraints to try and control my pleasure. I leave it all to him.
And when he pulls away, I whimper but only because his distance is deflating.
“Should I make her come, or torture her more”? He hums and I hear him walking across the room, just to return moments later. “What do you think Sienna?” His fingers dance across my skin and I breathe deep, knowing no matter what, he’ll give me wheat I need.
Eventually.
“Whatever you want, Sir” I breathe quietly and as soon as the words fall from my lips he pushes something inside me and a low buzzing starts to rumble my entire body.
“I want to hear you come so hard the people on the next block can hear you,” He growls low in my ear. I’m breathing heavy, my eyes squeeze closed, and I let Trigger take me to a place I haven’t been in years.
Images of our past dance in my mind as he brings me to the brink of orgasm. Happy moments. Erotic moments. The things he said to me.
“I still fucking love you,” he whispers, pulling out the vibrator and pushing it to my clit, rubbing in a hard circular motion that brings out a scream I didn’t know I had inside me. My body vibrates and as my orgasm begins to ripple through me, he pushes into me, fucking me hard and fast.
He lets out a guttural moan, loud and animalistic, as he thrusts into me, hitting me deep and bringing a sense of pain that radiates into heat and lust, forcing time to stand still and my orgasm to ride out until he spills into me with a curse.
“Christ, Sienna,” he growls, his hands gripping my tits tight and his thrusts becoming slower until he’s hovering over me, sweaty and breathless.
My arms are limp, my legs tingly. I couldn’t walk right now if I was forced to try.
“So beautiful,” he whispers, pushing his lips to mine but I’m so sated that I faintly kiss back with a whimper.
My mind is swimming through the fog when he unbuckles me from the bench and carries me straight to the bathroom. I drop to my knees as he starts the bath water, and once the steam starts to billow from the large tub, he drops to his knees in front of me.
“You’re perfect,” he whispers, pulling me to him and pressing his lips to mine. I sigh, my body feeling like jello. He pushes his forehead to mine and we sit on the floor like that until the tub is full and he helps me slide into the water.
“I forgot,” I finally whisper. Trigger’s wrapped around me, his strong arms holding me to him and making me feel safe and secure.
“Forgot what?” God, his low voice. I’ve always had a weakness for his voice, but tonight it sounds like an angel. I bring my hands to his arms, rubbing softly over his skin. Over the tattoos. The scars.
“What it’s like to be with you.” I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and curl into him. The water sloshes around us, a warm and delicious smelling heat coming off of it.
“You were perfect, Sienna.” His heart’s hammering in his chest and yet he seems as calm as can be on the outside.
I feel like I’m a ball of nerves.
I haven’t done that in ten years. Ten whole years I’ve been hiding from a side of me that I never used to be ashamed of. A side that knew what she liked, and loved being dominated by the man she loved.
But Jared never would have been into this, which made me feel incredibly self conscious about my wants and needs, so I hid from them. I went vanilla and tried not to look back. Which is probably why I never felt as perfectly satisfied as I do right now.
Trigger tightens his arms around me and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“Did you mean it,” I whisper, closing my eyes and praying he doesn’t pull away.
“Yeah,” he finally says after letting the silence stretch on. “I don’t think I ever stopped. Tried. But it didn’t fucking work. Thank god.”
He chuckles and a smile lifts my lips.
“I know the feeling.” I turn in his arms and kiss him, then curl into him and let the water soothe every delicious ache in my body.
We stay in the bath until the water starts to cool, then he wraps his body around me in bed, making love to me in a way he never did before.
Soft.
