Trigger, p.14
Trigger, page 14
And her eyes. I remember her eyes the most.
And I fucking drew all of it. Drunkenly.
“Trig, I’m worried about you. Ever since she showed at the shop last month you’ve been a loose cannon. Forgetting to go home, missing clients, and being drunk off your ass. Now you’re drawing these fantasy scenes…” He rubs the back of his neck. “It’s not healthy, man.”
“I fucking know.” I growl, slamming my fist on the desk. “I know it’s not healthy, but it is what it is. And those weren’t fantasy, alright.” I curse. I don’t know why I do it, but I don’t stop. “Look, you’re the only person in my life I trust with my truths, but I haven’t been honest with you even.”
“No shit,” he laughs. “Fess up, you’re still in love, aren’t you?”
I stare at him.
“I don’t know how to love.” Not the type of love she needs.
“Bull shit.” He sits on the desk and glares at me. “I call bullshit.”
“Get out,” I mutter. “My head’s pounding and I can’t talk about this like I thought I could.”
“Did you fuck her?”
I glare at him.
“Get out.”
“You did, didn’t you?”
“I said get out!” I shoot to my feet, about to bash his face in before he starts to laugh and stands, stepping away.
“Jesus Christ, Trig.” He shakes his head, amused but worried. “Dude, you need to talk to someone.”
“I need to talk to her,” I mutter under my breath.
“Maybe.” He nods.
“She’s engaged, Kaden.” I fall back to my chair. “I fucked her. And she’s engaged.” I’m an asshole. I’m violent. I’m a bad guy.
But I’ve never been a cheater.
“Yep.” He nods. “You did.”
“I ruined her life.” It’s guilt. Guilt’s the feeling that’s been eating at me.
“Eh…” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“What the hell do you mean? She was happily engaged. Moved on. I was a mere memory, and then I got pissed, territorial, and claimed what I told her was mine.”
“Not like you tied her up or anything. She was willing.”
“I mean, yeah, she was willing. But…” I look at him and shake my head.
“But you didn’t tie her up and hold her against her will, right?”
“It wasn’t exactly against her will,” I mutter. “She had a choice.”
“Holy shit, Trigger.” He starts to pace. “You tied the girl up? And what? Fucked her?”
“More or less.” I nod.
“And then just dropped her at home and said have a nice life?” His voice is high pitched, a tone I usually don’t get from him.
“Yeah, pretty much.” I nod again, my stomach churning.
And Kaden…he doesn’t say anything. He stares at me like he doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
“If you’re wondering if seeing her turned me into a madman, don’t worry yourself. It’s a trait I’ve had for the past ten or so years. Dominance. I’ve done things to girls you can’t imagine.”
“But I thought you never got laid,” he whispers, eyes wide.
“I let you think that.” I nod again. “This is a real fucking awkward conversation, man.”
“No shit,” he laughs. “So what’d you do? Drug her and drag her unconscious body to your sex dungeon?”
“Fuck no!” I bark. “I met her for drinks. She knew what she was getting into, kind of. Then…I couldn’t let her go.” I curse.
“But you did.” He falls to the chair in the corner. “Did she…like it?”
I look at him like he has three heads.
“What the fuck do you think?”
“I don’t know! I didn’t even know you were into that kinky shit, Trig!”
I chuckle.
“I think she did, yeah.” I rub the back of my neck, sore, achy. I don’t think she did. I know she fucking did. “But it doesn’t matter. She has a life. I have a life. They don’t mesh. And she pranced back to that fiancé faster than I could say have a nice life.”
“You didn’t actually say that to her, did you?”
“Why the hell not?” I blurt. “Not like the girl’s going to give me another shot. That was it. My second chance and I fucking blew it.”
I wait for him to reply, but he just sits there and stares at me.
“Come on,” he says, sighing. “Let’s go.”
“Go where?” I watch him as he opens my office door and the music from the shop blares in.
“Get the fuck up and trust me.” He shoves his finger at me. “And stop being a fucking dick, okay?”
Furrowing my brows, I stand and roll my eyes.
“Whatever, man.” My stomach rumbles. “I need to eat, I think.”
“Great. We’re getting food.” He stomps out the front door and I follow, ignoring the looks from the other guys. Some of which probably didn’t even know I was in today.
Technically I wasn’t. I was just sleeping off what feels like a lifelong bender.
“What day is it?” I ask him, pretty sure it’s Friday.
“Saturday, asshole.” He unlocks his car. “Get in.”
Saturday. Huh. I drank away a couple days at least.
Jesus Christ.
“I think I need to move,” I mutter. “K, if she lives here, I can’t do this. I can’t live across the goddamned street from her.”
“Would you just calm you jets, man? Food. One step at a time.” He revs the engine and takes off before I’m settled in, speeding through town like an idiot.
“Fuck, Kaden, what the hell’s your deal?”
“You.” He blurts. “I’m done watching you self destruct because you’re an idiot.” He blurts, running a red light.
“So you’re just planning on killing me instead? Slow the fuck down!”
He swerves through lanes of traffic, almost getting us hit once, before slamming on his breaks in front of a diner.
“Go inside.” He’s gripping the wheel tight and I look at him like he’s the one that’s lost his mind and not the other way around.
“Um, what the hell, K?” I look around. “You can’t just stop the car in the middle of the goddamned street!”
“Go. In.” He glares at me. “I swear to god, go inside, order a coffee, and wait for me.”
“Jesus,” I huff. “Someone’s on the rag this weekend.” I pop open the car door and barely miss getting hit by a car zooming around us. “Fuck!” I slam the door, flip them off, then watch Kaden fly off and swerve around the corner. “Idiot.” I huff, heading inside.
I order a coffee, find a spot in the corner, and wait.
“What can I get you?” A voice rings through my ears and I know I’m probably still drunk.
“Coffee,” I mutter, then glance up at the person with the angelic voice and take a deep breath.
The beach. Coconut. Airy.
Beautiful.
***
“What is this? Sixth night in a row?” Ziah smirks knowingly as he hangs my shit in its place.
“You know it.” I pat him on the shoulder. “Plenty of fish out there, right?” He unlocks the club doors for me and smiles, nodding.
“Yes. And plenty of new ones tonight, too.” He nods to the back of the bar and I see her. My quest for tonight.
“You do know how to pick them, don’t you?”
“If only I enjoyed them as much as I enjoy your type.” He sighs. “Anyway, the other girl with her has a boyfriend. That one’s alone. Madeline, she said her name was but I don’t believe it. ID’s fake, but they’re legal. College kids, I’m sure, which puts them over legal limit.” He grins at me. “Have fun tonight, sir.”
I’ll never get used to the sir. I joined this club two years ago and have been a regular ever since but it still throws me for a loop.
“Thanks, Ziah.” I wink at him, then make my way to an empty table across the bar where I can watch Madeline. I’ll get her to tell me her real name by the end of the night.
So help me god.
I watch her laugh and smile with her friend.
Then I watch her friend ditch her.
“Oh miss Madeline, how naïve.” I finish a drink, stand and adjust myself, then prepare for the hunt. “A little girl, left all alone to the big bad wolf.”
I wait at the bar for her, knowing at some point she’ll sway that ass over here and order something else. Especially since the wait staff has been instructed not to serve her at the table.
And when she breezes over to me, the whiff I catch is the best goddamned smell ever.
Light. Airy.
Oh yes. This one will be perfect.
***
I didn’t do what I meant to that night. I was supposed to fuck her and let her go like the dozens before. But I couldn’t.
And look where that got me.
“What are you doing here?” She whispers, her hands already trembling.
“Uh…” I blink at her. “What are you doing here?”
“I work here,” she hisses. “Can you please leave!”
“You work here?” I look around. “This ain’t a school, Sienna.”
She huffs and rolls her eyes, then throws her hands to her hips.
“I had to get a second job, Trigger. Now please, go. I think you’ve ruined enough in my life, I can’t lose this job.”
“I’m not going…” She starts to walk away and I stop her, wrapping my hand around her wrist. “Sienna, wait, Jesus.” My hand slides down hers and my eyebrows crease.
De. Ja. Fucking. Vu.
“Where’s your ring,” I whisper, my eyes wide.
“Let go of me, please.” Her eyes close, the whisper barely audible. “Please, Trigger.”
“Sienna, look at me.” My heart’s hammering so hard in my chest it hurts.
Her ring’s gone.
She took a second job.
“I can’t,” she finally says and I hear her sniffle. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”
She pulls her hand from mine, leaving me frozen in my spot, and I stand there like an idiot and watch her go.
“Oh seriously?” An old lady at a table nearby says. “And you’re not going to run after her?”
I look down at her. White hair, short and curly. If I had a grandma, I imagine that’s what she’d look like. And I laugh.
“I uh…” I watch Kaden walk inside with a smug look on his face and storm over to him. “You fucking set me up,” I growl, shoving him back a step. “Get me the hell out of here.”
“I’m here for the coffee, asshole. You can get yourself home.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and sits by the old lady with white hair. “Hey, Belle.”
“Kaden, I thought you weren’t going to make it today.” She smiles at him and I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.
“What the hell is going on here.”
“You said you wouldn’t tell him!” I hear Sienna bark, storming past me and heading straight for Kaden. “You fucker!”
“Whoa,” Kaden laughs. “I didn’t tell him. I swear.” He’s laughing harder now and the old lady looks like she needs a bag of popcorn.
“He didn’t,” I interject, trying to diffuse her before she explodes on him and ends up hurting Grannie.
She spins and looks at me.
“You need to leave.” She’s growling.
And all I can do is grin.
At some point between me telling her to have a nice life and me attempting to destroy what was left of mine…my girl found her backbone again.
I step closer to her, each step I take she takes one backwards until she almost trips over Kaden’s table.
“Where’s your ring, Sienna?” I whisper, ignoring the eyes on us.
“Please leave, Trigger,” she whimpers. There’s a hitch to her voice and I know I’m breaking her.
Thank god.
I can’t take this much longer.
“Sienna, where’s the fucking ring,” I growl low, eyes hot with rage. Don’t fuck with me. No ring means no tool. And no tool…means she realized who she belongs to. Me. She fucking belongs to me.
“Everything okay, Sienna?” An older guy, the age of what my dad would be. But much softer looking than my father ever was.
“Everything’s fine, Marcus.” She looks at me while she’s talking. “This guest was about to go.” She lowers her voice. “I’m begging you, I need this job.”
I look at her, so perfect and ready for me even in such a piss poor situation, then my eyes flash to Kaden before looking back up at Sienna.
“Ten tonight. You know where.” I spin and storm out the door, not waiting for Kaden.
I don’t need a ride. I need fresh air.
If she isn’t with him anymore, then why the fuck can’t she be with me? I never considered she’d actually leave him. I never considered he’d leave her either, even if he did find out what happened. People like him deal with shit like that, because they’re more of an adult than I’ll probably ever be.
I walk ten blocks and by the time I make it home, I’m sweating and shaking so I hop in the shower and wash away the last few weeks. When I come out, steam billows behind me and I’m finally starting to feel something other than nauseous.
“I think you scared Belle,” Kaden says as soon as I open the door from the bathroom.
“Jesus, man, don’t you have a place of your own?” I walk past him, on a mission for fuel for tonight’s activities.
“Yeah, but this is more entertaining.”
“This is fucking entertaining to you?” I laugh harshly. “Yeah, so fucking entertaining. I’m glad I could be a great source of entertainment for you two to gossip about over your coffee dates.” I curse and shove my hands through my hair. “You like watching me lose my mind?”
“Watching you finally get what you deserve, yes.” He follows me. “I watched that tool move out, you know that? I mean, he wasn’t there, but I knew something went down the minute I watched her standing on the sidewalk with her hands on her hips, glaring at the movers taking shit away. I never imagined it was what you told me, but I knew something…or someone…got to her.” He takes a spot on a bar stool and pops a handful of chips in his mouth. “Then I happened to run into her at the diner two weeks ago. She looked like a different girl. She looks happy, right?” I growl at him and he laughs. “So I start talking to Belle, who’s a regular at the damn place, and Belle says that last week Sienna and another girl started working there. Said they were roommates, both coming off breakups and trying to get their lives in order.”
“And the old lady knew this how?”
He shrugs. Kaden seems completely unphased by my life being in shambles right now. I wish I could be so chill about shit. Sometimes I wonder about him.
“When you’re nice people talk to you about things. You should try it sometime.” I glare at him and he grins. “Anyway, Sienna made me promise not to tell you about her working there. Made me promise not to tell you about the breakup or anything. So I promised and I kept my promise.”
“Until you dropped me at the front door like a goddamn fool,” I mutter.
“I wasn’t going to tell you, you know. I was going to let you get over her again, but I’ve watched her. I’ve watched you. You two are hurting for something that’s a simple fix.”
I stare at him.
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is, though. Who the fuck cares about your past, Trigger? You can’t change the past. But you have a chance to change the future.”
I nod.
That’s exactly what I plan on doing. I’m going to try, at least. For the first time, I’m going to fight for something I was told growing up I never deserved.
It’s time I take my girl back.
Chapter 11
Sienna
“I’m not certain I can do this,” I whisper, staring at myself in the mirror. Anne’s helped me get ready for tonight and now as I stand here, looking like a woman I’ve always dreamed about being, I can’t stop from trembling.
“You can and you will. I think you both need this from the sound of things. Just don’t let him intimidate you,” she says, smoothing a stray hair. “I know you want to try again, but you can’t let him get his way. He walked away from you, remember that.” She smiles at me and I manage to smile back. Nervous and weakly.
Of course I’ll let him intimidate me. And I’ll let him dominate me.
It’s what we do, but she doesn’t know that.
I never told Anne the complete truth about Trigger and I. I’ve never told anyone. I didn’t want people looking at me with judging eyes and that ‘what the fuck’ look that I could imagine I’d give if I weren’t in this situation. Being connected to someone like Trigger takes warning labels. Labels I’ve always ignored and ended up burnt. Labels like ‘doesn’t play nice with others’ and ‘do not touch, will get burned’. But the most important label I ignored?
Will make you into who you are meant to be.
I ignored it, because I was surrounded by people, even back then, who thought my future had a straightforward trajectory. A normal path, in their eyes. And for the longest time I believed it. I was going to graduate college, become a teacher, find someone and settle down then pop out a few kids. Bing, bam, boom.
But it didn’t work that way.
I met Trigger.
He changed me.
And for the last ten years I’ve been hiding from that girl.
“I’ll be a phone call away.” She hugs me and smiles. “I’m happy for you, Sienna. It's weird, and I know we’ve only lived together for a short while, but I feel like you’re one of my closest friends.” She smiles wider and I return the gesture, trembling on the inside because of what tonight means.
Tonight means everything. It means we’re both ready to move beyond what happened in the past. It means that I forgive him.
I never really thought about forgiveness
“Yeah, same here.” I didn’t come to Seattle to make friends, but somehow I found one in a coworker that I never would have imagined. I’m friendly with everyone I work with, but Anne and I somehow click. Having her makes me feel a little better about my decision not to move home after the break up. My mom wanted me to. My brother begged me to. They miss me…but for once in my life, I’m doing this for me. I’m doing all this for me.
